Jonathan: The Maintenance Guide and Owner's Manual
by samshair
Summary: Is he too short?  Give him some steroids.  Or maybe you ordered WARREN but got this guy.  Try to make do, I'm too lazy to ship out anything new right now.


I'm fast. Enjoy the awesome coolness of my favorite character! (Too enthusiastic)

**

* * *

**

**Jonathan: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully automated **JONATHAN **unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your geeky short kid, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

**Basic Information: **

**Name: **Jonathan Levinson

**Date Of Manufacture: **1981

**Place Of Manufacture: **Hellmouth Creations, Sunnydale Division

**Height: **5'2"

**Weight: **Unknown

**Your JONATHAN unit will come with the following accessories:**

Four striped t-shirts

Three pairs of jeans

Two sweaters

A Batman action figure

A pair of shoes

A book called Oh Jonathan

When you first open your **JONATHAN **unit, he may look weak and pathetic. You will learn this is normal for your unit, and come to accept it shortly.

**Programming:**

Your **JONATHAN **unit is short, with low self-esteem, and no friends, and can carry out the following functions:

**Nerd: **He knows a lot about all those superheroes and stuff, so if you ever need to know something about James Bond, or whoever, ask him. Just do not go dissing Roger Moore.

**Wizard: **Not as effective as **WILLOW** or **GILES** units, but he is cheaper than they are and gets the job done. Most of the time with only minor side effects. Consult a doctor if itchiness or inflammation of eyes occurs.

**Evil Genius: **Well, kind of. We do not like to promote this function, as it is only semi-reliable, however, it is possible.

**Klingon translator: **If you ever happen across a group of Klingon, **JONATHAN** will be more than happy to translate for you. That is, if he can get over his 'fan boy moment' about it.

**Your JONATHAN unit comes with six different modes:**

Nervous

Awkward

Friendly

Superstar

Geeky Evil Genius

Nerd

Nervous and Awkward mode are different, no matter the fact they are listed under each other in the thesaurus. In nervous mode, there will be more stuttering and sweat than in awkward mode, which is more silence and shifting of weight.

Friendly mode is only available to a more confident** JONATHAN**, however, if treated properly, should be activated within six months of purchase.

Superstar mode is activated shortly after your unit's umpteenth blow to the self-esteem. You may notice yourself idolizing your unit more than usual, and that the girl next door is spending a lot more time at your house. Just go out and kill the big ugly monster. It is easy…You may want to join forces with a **BUFFY** unit…

Geeky Evil Genius mode is available after the purchase of a **WARREN MEARS **unit and an **ANDREW WELLS **unit. It leads to long periods of time spent in the basement, a large van outfitted with the latest technology and free cable, a freeze ray, jet packs, and the possible adoption of the nickname Johnny Snow (see Dr Horrible).

Nerd mode is activated whenever a cult-hit movie is on TV. So, pretty much constantly. It is a default thing, and if you do not like it, too bad.

**Relations with other units:**

**BUFFY SUMMERS: **Your unit will have respect for **BUFFY**, and possibly want to get in her pants. **BUFFY**, However (like most people) will not have much of an opinion for **JONATHAN**.

**WARREN MEARS:** **JONATHAN **and **WARREN**, along with **ANDREW WELLS**, make up the Trio, an annoying team that believes they can take over Sunnydale. The two working together, get into many boyish fights, and are not what anyone could call mature. Like we said, putting the three of them together could get very annoying for you, and heighten your electrical bills severely.

**ANDREW WELLS: **These two get along better than with **WARREN**, because **WARREN** does not care about breaking the law as much as his cohorts do. After **WARREN's **demise, the pair goes to Mexico, before returning to Sunnydale, where a very confused/conflicted **ANDREW** kills **JONATHAN**. Of course, your units do not know about that, and get on fine.

**Cleaning: **The **JONATHAN **unit is fully capable of cleaning himself, but seems like the type to slip in the shower. Maybe you should get a sticky bathmat.

**Energy: **The **JONATHAN **unit appears (in The Wish) to enjoy a slushee-type drink called the "Huge Glug", but will probably like to eat three meals a day.

**Frequently Asked Questions:**

**Q: **My **JONATHAN **unit is kind of floppy and non-responsive. What were they doing at that dance?

**A: **The multi-cultural dance? Looks like your unit finally got kissed. It was an Incan Mummy who did it, though, and you are lucky your unit is alive. Try the old tricks-bucket of cold water; get some sleep, "if you don't respond it five seconds, I'm breaking your model Death Star!"

**Q: **He….bought a Speedo. WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO HIM?

**A: **He is trying out for the swim team. His hopes will be crushed soon, though, so you will never actually see him wear the thing.

**Q: **I recently purchased a **JONATHAN **unit, and having been excited by my friend's unit (who just starred in the Matrix), was disappointed to find my unit a useless wimp. What is up with that?

**A: **The units do not all hit "SUPERSTAR" at the same time, and you will just have to wait to be put under the spell by your own unit. Sorry.

**Q: **He has a gun…help.

**A: **Take it away- what are you wasting time here for? Go save your unit! Go, go, go!

**Q: JONATHAN **is boring. Can I send him back?

**A: **Why would you order him then, moron? Get him in the box, and send him back. We do not cover shipping, though.

**Q: **My unit says he is going to Mexico with the **ANDREW** from two streets over. I knew **ANDREW** was gay, but I did not think they would just up and leave. Can I convince him to stay?

**A: **Yes. Tie him to the bedpost. If he loves you, he will come back. Then get stabbed.

**Q: **What is all this talk about the "Seal of Danzelthar" or whatever? It's seriously creeping me out.

**A: **Get over it. Nothing will come of it. Except Uber-Vamps and your unit's untimely yet inevitable death.

**Warranty: **With proper care, the **JONATHAN **unit should live until the end of his days, or until Andrew stabs him because he couldn't catch a pig. If you should become annoyed with hemming his pants, send him back within sixty days for a full refund.

* * *

So, who wants an Anya one?

Also, I should write Jonathan's auto biography, _Oh, Jonathan_. Available at a bookstore near you.


End file.
